The 3HO Dysfunctional Family - How I Figured It Out

Personality Types: Grief-on-Top-of Rage, Co-Dependents


The Grief-on-Top-of-Rage Type

Where would 3HO [Assembly] be without its Keep Up Jis [unsung heroes]? So many times in my Sikh walk, after letting my scapegoat ways get the better of me once again, I would seek out the soothing auras of those grief-on-top-of-rage heroes. They would sit me down, dose me with Yogi Tea and gently lecture me on the fine-points of dharmic living. Newly inspired I would once again attempt the endless job of disciplining myself. [Now don’t tell me you can’t see the Assembly here. Who was the one you went to when you needed to feel better? Who was the brother or sister confidant that you would go to, not to be corrected but to be "encouraged" to stick it out? Maybe you were the one everyone came to.]

Grief/Rage personalities survived the dysfunction of their childhood families by assuming the role of stabilizing adult. They learned to put their needs to the side and take care of everyone else first. Eventually they hoped that all this "selfless service" would lead to their being blessed and acknowledged. Of course it rarely did. In fact often their scapegoat sisters and brother got more attention with their report cards full of F's than the heroes got no matter how many A's they earned.

On the surface grief-on-top-of-rage types are calm and often serious. Their ability to put the good of the family and organization above their own needs give them a saintly, slightly martyred expression and when things go wrong, they get sad and depressed as they try, once again, to discern what next sacrifice is required of them.

Any anger, rage or jealousy that our hero has when faced with having to be the one, once again, who makes all the sacrifice is firmly repressed. Eventually a pit of rage, carefully protected and hidden, develops in the bellies of these peaceful souls.

Co-dependents

Although there is nobody more taken for granted, and often times used, than the hero, the service position does, in fact, offer some hope of political and social power. Instead of serving in the kitchen, it is possible to become the assistant of the addict [George Geftakys]. This, again, is the role of co-dependent [the leading brothers, workers, and Betty Geftakys].

Co-dependents [the leading brothers, workers, and Betty Geftakys] usually run the life support systems of the organization like creating the schedule and controlling the money and constructing the public image. [can we say Betty Geftakys, Mark Miller, and Dan Notti] They do this to support the addict [George Geftakys] as well as the organization or family, so when the addict [George Geftakys], in typical unpredictable style, decides to bomb the calendar or raid the cash box, it is the job of the co-dependent [the leading brothers, workers, and Betty Geftakys] to patch up or, if need be, cover up the addict’s [George Geftakys] activity.

Thus co-dependents [the leading brothers, workers, and Betty Geftakys], though powerful, have lost most of their individuality. They sell their souls to the organization becoming "company men and women". Because of this, they can feel completely trapped in their positions- often so entangled in the web of politics with the family or organization that they are at a loss to know how to free themselves.

When co-dependents [the leading brothers, workers, and Betty Geftakys] do break free. it almost always causes a scandal. It is not easy on a family or an organization when the person who has been holding everything up and making everyone feels secure just walks away and lets everything crash behind them. [Could the workers who are supported full time or employed by Ariel ever really leave without it costing them their livelihood? At their age most of them could ill afford this. Therefore the reasons for staying and continuing the lies and image becomes more then just spiritual and emotional but also financial.]

Easy or not, this is the healthy step that co-dependents [the leading brothers, workers, and Betty Geftakys] must make toward healing dysfunctionality in 3HO [Assembly] and elsewhere. Co-dependents [the leading brothers, workers, and Betty Geftakys] need to remember that for them, falling apart is falling together.


Next: 3HO - Pit of Rage, Keeping Up, Talking about Mom and Dad's Problems 


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