"Assemblyboard" Readers Comment on Treatment of Children in the Assembly
• "Shaming was a technique used rampantly in the Assembly on both adults and children. Any small failure to meet impossibly high standards was usually met with harsh reminders of what a horrible failure and wretch you were, and disproportionately large punishments. [Further Assemblyboard discussion on shaming.]
"In the Assembly we were told that raising our children was exactly like training a dog (this was actually said by Ginger G.); the focus was on forming proper behavior via discipline. [Ed: Betty G. used to say that if her mother could train her dog to run right up to the property line but never cross it, Assembly mothers could train their children to perfect obedience, too.]
"Something I am deeply questioning is the assumption in the Assembly that kids want to disobey out of a rebellious nature, and have to be broken of this.
"I think an important distinction is to identify his action specifically as what he should be feeling bad about, as opposed to feeling bad about himself as a person.
"This where the Assembly went horribly wrong - in the Assembly, tiny infractions such as being a few minutes late or not cleaning someone else's house perfectly for them were blown way out of proportion and used to characterize the offender as the worst of sinners - 'He who is unfaithful in little is unfaithful also in much' etc. this produced a stressful atmosphere that encouraged shallow conformism while allowing many hurtful behaviors to flourish.
"Of course, I am speaking of how it was applied to adults here, but the same perspective was applied to kids with an even heavier hand, in some of the cases I observed. I just want to say I do believe that everyone I personally saw disciplining their kids in the Assembly was doing so with the best of intentions, and out of love, and that goes a long way."
• "We remember...even babies would get whipped with no mercy...with responsibility and blame always on the wife...it was a very sad day when the dad had to yank the child up by the arm and drag them back for punishment for not being able to sit still for 3 hours at a time. The bruises on their butts from the dowel rods just overlayed and overlayed each other.
• "The worst thing about Assembly parenting, in my opinion, was using discipline as a means to demonstrate that we were loyal followers of GG. Some would get angry with their kids for making them look bad and this "modeled" a kind of self-righteousness that kids naturally would consider wrong. Some of the leaders' kids (think of Dave G. and his family) were witnesses to blatant hypocrisy that was very destructive!"
• "In the Assembly we just tried our best to hide these things and hypocritically perform our lives; and thus a huge pile of unresolved guilt lay upon both child and parent."
• "I remember observing an AK in the early 1980's. His life was pretty close to what Scott describes. I remember that he wanted to play high school football, but was denied. When he graduated from high school...he seemed completely incapable of making any kind of decision for awhile. He referred to himself (jokingly, but somewhat truthfully) as a 'lost youth'.
"The good news is that, thanks to loving support from his grandparents and parents (who had left the Assembly about that time) this person grew up and is doing very well and has an established life....However, watching this had a great impact upon me. I remember thinking at the time, "If they had let him make 'safe' choices when he was young - such as whether to join the football team or not - he might not have been so incapable of making a decision when he was 18."
• Brian Tucker on the Assemblyboard in response to Rebekah Buley: I was discussing this topic, and some of your replies, with a friend last night. She is a psychologist, so I was curious what her take would be. She mentioned Erickson's stages of development: http://www.childdevelopmentinfo.com/development/erickson.shtml. Interestingly, shame is an issue Erikson's theory places at about 1.5 years. I have observed in Alex, 13 months old tomorrow, that his will is steadily strengthening. As he develops emotionally, he is starting to form stronger opinions about what he wants, and he likes to do things for himself more. Along with that, he can now get angry if we do something for him that he wants to do himself, or if we do things a way he doesn't want us to. I think it’s good that he forms his own opinions about things, and if it’s reasonable, I'll go along with it. But he's also learning about the downside of having opinions - sometimes being wrong.
So as he is developing his own take on things, I think it’s important that he feels confident in doing so. Shaming him relentlessly as was often done in the assembly just seems so destructive to his fledgling confidence. i'm not saying noone should ever feel bad about what they do, but healthy well-adjusted people (and kids) seem to feel plenty of guilt naturally. i think its my job to teach him healthy ways to deal with guilt, like making things right when possible and avoiding actions that hurt or disrespect others. i think an important distinction is to identify his action specifically as what he should be feeling bad about, as opposed to feeling bad about himself as a person.
This where the assembly went horribly wrong - in the assembly, tiny infractions such as being a few minutes late or not cleaning someone else's house perfectly for them were blown way out of proportion and used to characterize the offender as the worst of sinners. 'he who is unfaithful in little is unfaithful also in much' etc. this produced a stressful atmosphere that encouraged shallow conformism while allowing many hurtful behaviors to flourish. Of course, i am speaking of how it was applied to adults here, but the same perspective was applied to kids with an even heavier hand, in some of the cases I observed.
i just want to say i do believe that everyone i personally saw disciplining their kids in the assembly was doing so with the best of intentions, and out of love, and that goes a long way. thats one of the greatest things i learned in the assembly - you can make all kinds of well-intentioned but terribly misguided mistakes and if love is expressed and understood it can work out ok in the end. this is what i remind myself of in those panicky overwhelming moments. something i am deeply questioning is the assumption in the assembly that kids want to disobey out of a rebellious nature, and have to be broken of this. kids will always test where the boundaries are but it seems to me this is more part of their learning experience rather than some evil rebellion that must be crushed. my job, as i see it, is to calmly but firmly teach him where the boundaries are. we haven't used spanking yet, and i am still on the fence as to whether we will or not. it seems possible that its not so important what the punishment is, but rather that it is enforced consistently and patiently. a few of you mentioned modeling which seems like a great technique. basically, involving alex as much as possible in what i am doing and let him watch me and learn. its so simple but it seems really effective.
Rebekah responded to Brian on the AssemblyBoard: Yes, in no way am I saying home schooling is better or worse than public school. It is individually based. Where I am living there are some great charter schools and homeschooling programs with tons of fabulous families that are succeeding. I was just talking about me and where I am at. I didn't like my homeschooling experience. I also had a very difficult transfer into high school, a small private Christian school which had a pastor as the principle who was put into jail in my junior year for molesting a girl in school for two years. I know things can go wrong in any situation. It is the ability to evaluate the situation you are in and make choices for the best interest of your family that seems so important to me. Sometimes I feel I have to struggle so much to figure out what would help my situation be better. I have to struggle with all these thoughts that come up from what was imprinted on me as a child raised in the Assembly. I have no pre-Assembly days to fall back on. There are no experiences that happened before. It is so great to get some feedback and have a place to share and hear what others think that were in the same situation as me. I am so glad there is this Assembly Kids section on the AssemblyBoard. I think within a few years there will probably be more of us on here, as the Assembly kids begin their own families.
