Assembly Longings
I came to the Assembly...
SEEKING...
seeking connection...finding alienation
seeking friendship...finding conditional acceptance
seeking God...finding an abusive religious system
seeking truth...finding hypocrisy
seeking purpose...finding disillusionment
seeking growth...finding numbing constriction
seeking a "family"...finding hierarchical inner circles
seeking warmth...finding icy hearts
seeking renewed life...finding life-draining demands
seeking biblical understanding...finding twisted Scriptures
seeking authenticity...finding scripted conformity
seeking satisfaction...finding crushing oppression
seeking an opportunity to serve...finding enslavement to the Assembly
agenda
seeking joy...finding ritualistic drudgery
seeking release from darkness...finding exacerbated bondage
seeking gain...finding exponential loss
I existed in the Assembly...
NEEDING...
needing grace...finding Law that killed
needing kindness...finding condemning entreaties
needing security...finding unpredictable and unreachable demands
needing human understanding...finding robotic, de-humanizing answers
needing value...finding exploitation
needing dignity...finding humiliation and censure
needing an outlet for creativity...finding smallness and rigidity
needing healthy independence...finding pressure to blindly submit
needing common sense...receiving unwise, mystical counsel
needing "down time"...finding a grueling schedule determined by others
needing God's love...taught to perform in order to earn it
needing belonging...finding the loss of my humanity
needing someone's time...getting hurried, scripted responses
needing a vacation...finding my time was not my own
needing financial planning...finding counsel to "just trust the Lord"
WANTING...
wanting freedom of expression...finding codes for dress and behavior
wanting friends outside of the group...confined to the "saints" for
social needs
wanting open relationships...finding masquerades and secrets
wanting a hug...finding a handshake
wanting to be treated as an adult...forced to remain subservient
wanting to be an individual...finding I had a generic label - "sister"
wanting a TV in my living room...finding it confined to my closet
wanting male friends...finding strained, awkward interactions
wanting clear, meaningful Biblical teaching...finding mysticism and
pedantry
wanting to be with family...finding the Assembly always came first
wanting normal mealtime conversations...finding agonizing Q & A sessions
wanting to trust...find breach of confidence from the top down
wanting spontaneity...finding canned "spiritual" conversation
wanting to leave...fearing rejection, condemnation and outer darkness
I left the Assembly...
WISHING...
wishing "they" would change...finding them more deceived than myself
wishing "they" would act human...finding them consumed by the Assembly mindset
wishing for continued relationships...finding shunning and silence
wishing for all those years back...finding the reality of pain and loss
wishing I hadn't "cleansed" my entertainment collection...finding I must rediscover my preferences
wishing I'd thought about my financial future...finding that I'm scrambling to "catch up"
wishing I hadn't let go of old friends...finding a lot to apologize for
wishing for family closeness...knowing it will take years to build
wishing I knew who I was...finding an undeveloped personality
wishing I knew more about my world...finding gross naivet
wishing I hadn't been so critical of other Christians...finding them to be refreshing
HOPING...
hoping for new friends
hoping for healing in heart and mind
hoping to develop critical thinking skills
hoping for normalcy
hoping to read the Bible again someday
hoping for the desire to go to church
hoping for increased concentration
hoping for new meaning in life
hoping for adequate retirement funds
hoping for home ownership
hoping for days of increasing brightness
hoping to regain all the dendrites lost
hoping to feel motivated
hoping that deceived friends will come out from under the "spell"
hoping for reasons to take photographs
HOPING...
that I'm still found hoping next year...
