Verbal Abuse Part 3: Is There More to It?

Material adapted from information on Dr. Susan Weitzman's website, Not to People Like Us.

Dr. Weitzman gives the following profile* of the typical "upscale abuser". The Assembly falls in this category because the stresses of poverty and addiction are not present. Notice that many of these behaviors were explicitly rrequired in Assembly wife training.

  • The man believes he is entitled. He tends to blame his wife for any mishap or bad feelings he may feel about himself. He has a grandiose sense of self-importance and the kind of treatment he deserves. He also believes that he has the power and leverage to [do what he wants]."  
  • He needs to be in control [his wife] in every situation.
  • He is charming (outwardly spiritual) but interpersonally exploitative.
  • He is self-absorbed and lacks empathy for others.
  • He requires excessive admiration and recognition.
  • His demands about how his wife should look or behave are not necessarily clear, and usually impossible to meet.
  • There is no honeymoon period after an abusive episode. "This is very distinct to my study, because what has been found prior to this has always been that after a violent episode, the man usually does his best to win the woman back. That's always been found in studies of lower-income batterers. Almost all of the women I've worked with did not report such a honeymoon period. In other words, the men feel no regret, no remorse, no need to apologize. They in fact feel like the wronged one." The typical cycle of violence is tenion - abuse - honeymoon

Again, most of these characteristics were encouraged in Assembly husbands, and justified by twisting the scriptures.

What can you do if you are stuck in this kind of post-Assembly marriage? Susan M., in her story of domestic violence in the Assembly, tells how things began to change, even though the abuse had already escalated to physical violence, when her family began visiting a healthy church and got counseling :

We began attending another local Baptist church on alternate Sundays. Over the course of a few months, Tom and I sought marital counseling, as we were now making friends with healthy couples and families. The last time Tom tried to strike me I threatened to call the police, the brethren, his boss, and everyone under the sun. The physical abuse stopped then.

Change won't necessarily happen automatically. Become informed on the issue of domestic violence and get marriage counseling.

*Dr. Weitzman has a footnote to this profile. "There are many aspects to this profile; this is an initial and partial list. For a more detailed list, see Not to People Like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages" (her book), and her website.

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